I was hungry for alchemy.
Every night, devoted to the quest for magic,
I went to sleep listening, through headphones,
to new age meditation tracks of binaural beats
hoping to entrain my brain to theta waves
like zen monk masters on the mat.
I listened as disembodied voices walked me through archways,
into golden temples
where Beings of Light waited to dialogue with me.
Every night I hoped for magic
and instead awoke, hours later, with headphones hurting my ears,
red light of the CD player interrupting my sleep.
No peak experience.
I wished for the embedded subliminal suggestions
to slip past my conscious gatekeeper ~
work deep in my subconscious
to ignite the law of attraction
in my life.
I listened to CD’s with titles like
Flow and Synchronicity and
Retrieve Your Destiny
I longed to be switched over to a guidance system
programmed from within.
Connected to Source with
a crystal clear path to happiness
where there could be no more missteps or misdeeds or misalignments.
I imagined it was a failed experiment,
as synapses of trust I could not see
were being laid down, reinforced.
New tracks in my old brain ~
I was not meeting Spirit guides in golden halls;
I was learning how to let go of desires and surrender.
But because I was expecting something more dramatic
I let the CD’s go.
Now, I am no longer looking for magic.
I am seeking, no, not seeking even ~
I am holding a space for the possibility of resting in
the Silence and the Everything I Am.
I am no longer using meditation
as a disguised goal setting trick,
to attract love, money, career, health.
Nor to set up a dialogue with a contingent of angels
well known and named by others, but strangers to me.
Nor to get a clearer view of my Spirit Guides,
hovering around me, special me, to advise, lead, encourage.
It feels to me now that all that kind of meditation
is still a seeking for something.
Still a construction of self,
to manipulate future self into better circumstances.
Insisting that NOW is lacking.
Which as every Buddha knows, is not possible.
Instead, I wish to drop down and trust
The Nothing That Is.
The mindful awareness that observes
with no judgment
all the thinking, feeling, emoting, story telling
that I engage in, but which is not ME
and not any more ME, even if I am conversing with angels,
spirit guides, or Ascended Masters.
I wish to drop down and trust
that regardless of the myriad experiences of living ~
the joys, the sorrows, the pangs and terrors
the blessings, the loves, the accomplishments and failures ~
that behind and through the cycling of that wheel of life,
my wheel of life,
is a spaciousness that will ever hold me.
This spaciousness that is the true Me.
This spaciousness that could never leave me.
Perhaps, decades from now, with one day at a time,
a Spirit Guide may enter my consciousness
and beckon with a hawk feather.
An Angel may illuminate and whisper a word of love.
God may enter every cell of my being and set them on fire with bliss.
But that will be the by-product, not the goal.
The day after the beckoning, the whispering, the fire
I will be back on the mat
practicing the emptiness of spaciousness once again.
Resting in the Nothing That Is.